I have a guest coming over
The apple of my eye
The object of my lust
The pest control guy
There’s just something about him
As I peer through my window
With those tight jeans and beard
He looks quite the himbo
The smell of his musk
Mixed with pesticides
It stirs a strange mix
Of feelings inside
Queasy with lust,
Or rat-killing vapour
I’d stick to his side
Like he’s made of flypaper
I open the door
Dressed in only a gown
Hanging off of my shoulder
As his eyes linger down
“Why don’t you come in?”
In my breathiest voice
“The bedroom or right here,
I’ll give you the choice.”
He takes a step in
His hands grasping mine
He opens his mouth
As I look into his eyes
Twin orbs like fat roaches
So dark and so round
They look first at me
And then to the ground
“Here would be best”
I can hardly reply
“I can already see
A couple of flies”
“Flies?” I think
My mind only on his
So much that I barely
Hear the next thing he says
“Aye, on the walls
Won’t take a mo”
As my ego receives
A crushing death-blow
Can he not take a hint?
This great hunk of man
That I want him to rail me
As fast as he can
But it seems that his head
Is full only of bugs
And I still can’t stop staring
At his well-chiselled mug
I’ll make conversation
Distract him from work
But the chat is so dry
From this professional berk
Chemical dilution
And spray nozzle hose
While my eyes are begging
That he rip off my clothes
God, those firm hands
Gloves pulled on with a snap
I want them to hold me
Like a strangling rat
His top button undone
And his eyes filled with purpose
The artful ringleader
Of this sensual circus
But now his work is complete
And he turns back to me
“Will there be anything else?”
From his sandy goatee
My mind full of replies
Of what I’d like him to do
But I can’t meet his eyes
And all I say is “thank you”
I stare a hole in his head
As he walks back to the van
Shocked that he thwarted
My masterful plan
Next time I suppose
I’ll be much less subtle
Greet him stark naked
And grab his belt buckle
There’s no accounting for taste
Or the dimness of men
But god, I hope he gets the hint next time
Amen
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